What its like being a Black Woman with a Mental Illness

Being a Black woman is not easy as it is, but let's add a mental illness on top of that and the equation becomes even more difficult to solve. As a Black woman, I am expected to be strong at all times, and vulnerability is out of the question. I am not allowed to have or express emotion because that's just showing weakness or I may come off as an "angry Black woman." But being strong all the time gets exhausting, and it contradicts true humanness. I am a strong Black woman, but sometimes, I feel like I am DYING on the inside. I am going to be 100% raw and honest in this article and express my truth unapologetically.

A year ago, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, colloquially known as depression. I knew I was slipping into a deep depression a while ago, but because I am a strong Black woman, I just decided to ignore it and just "pray about it."

Having depression is wanting to hang out with friends, but also wanting to be alone at the same time. Having depression is wanting to socialize and fulfill duties, but yet, having no desire to move out of bed. Having depression is putting on a fake mask with a smile, but feeling emptiness on the inside. Having depression is wanting to run, but having no where to go. To say the least, having depression is not enjoyable, and it is a monster that has consumed my life.

Currently, I am in my junior year of college and I will be starting my senior year in the Fall of 2018, exciting news right? According to depression, not really. Last Fall semester, I was in one of the deepest ruts I have been in for a long time. I missed so many classes just to sit in my room and sob in agonizing pain. I stayed in bed for days and did not even shower because I was so hurt. I ignored phone calls, texts, and social media notifications just to stare at the wall. I was in so MUCH PAIN. Waking up every morning was not appealing at all, and sometimes, I wished that I did not wake up so I wouldn't have to deal with my depression. I got so low that I even contemplated dropping out and being hospitalized. I remember on that same day, I rushed to my room, sobbed, and packed up my bags. I was at my breaking point then. I took a deep breath and here I am now, about to enter into my senior year of college.

Suicidal thoughts ARE REAL

People always underestimate the concept of suicidal ideation but it is in fact, real. At one point, I thought about planning my death. Driving in my car on the highway, I would always have thoughts such as, "I wish that semi-truck would just hit me so I can die and escape this darkness." But thankfully, that never happened.

No SUPPORT

Another aspect of my depression was the lack of support I had. The same people I would check on, loan money to, give rides to, and be supportive to were no where to be found when I thought about killing myself. That probably hurt the worst. It also showed me how lonely I really was. A big part of depression is feeling alone and hopeless, but I really felt it after that. No one checked on me to see if I was okay, they only called me when they needed something. Thankfully, I am no longer friends with those people.

"But you're so beautiful and smart..."

Do you know often I hear this? One time too many. People are always telling me how beautiful I am, how smart I am, and how nice I dress. People have always told me that I "make it look easy." Little do they know, this pretty face thinks about killing herself all the time and the makeup is usually removed by tears. Not only is this a nuisance, but people also think because of my status, that I have NO struggles. Not true. It actually turns out that people who seem to have it all are the ones with the most problems.

Dealing with my depression has been a darkness succumbing my life, but I will continue to fight. I did receive mental health counseling and I am currently taking medication, but these tactics do not completely erase the pain I feel. I will get through this, I just have to keep fighting. If you have ever experienced depression or any other mental illness, then you know how difficult it can be. I hope you find healing in your journey as well. You can do this! Just keep going. Remember, it is okay to be vulnerable and reach out to someone if you need help. Do not allow yourself to slip into that blackhole again.

Before you stigmatize someone who has a mental illness, refer to this article so you can understand the pain a person may be in. It could be you one day.